Slave for a day (I)

Throughout most of my life, although I consider myself bisexual, my sexual relationships have been mostly heterosexual. Generally, and it's not to brag but to contextualize, I've never had too many difficulties in picking up women. Maybe that certain ease made me get bored with it at some point. Suddenly, I noticed that when having sex with women, I no longer felt that thrill in my stomach. I suppose that consuming pornography from a pretty young age also increased that feeling of emptiness and accelerated the whole process.

All those who consume porn will agree with me: the more you consume, the more variety and excitement you need. So, I went from consuming "soft" porn to consuming more "hardcore" porn, generally BDSM. The thing is that, as is normal, there came a time when it was no longer enough for me to masturbate while watching that content; I wanted to experience it in real life.

So, I did, albeit in heterosexual relationships. I had various BDSM experiences, most of which were satisfactory. Nevertheless, there was a moment when I got bored again: in all my BDSM experiences, I had played the dominant role, and what was initially exciting, due to simple routine, stopped being so. Then the desire to be in the submissive role emerged in me, to experience what it felt like to give up control to another person, what it felt like to obey orders, what it felt like to be treated as an object of someone else's pleasure. However, I soon found myself with a handicap: in the BDSM world, it's certainly complicated to find women who genuinely desire (i.e., without any economic interest in between) to play the dominant role. Or at least that was my perception. I know that in some BDSM relationships I had maintained, I could have suggested switching roles. However, it wasn't what I wanted: if someone had been my submissive, they couldn't be my mistress. Role switching wasn't an option for me. I wanted to find someone who was, per se, dominant. Not finding it, I started to get frustrated and took refuge, once again, in pornography.

Although I masturbated while watching heterosexual BDSM porn, I soon realized that I was focusing more on the dominant man in the scene than on the submissive woman. Although I didn't want to accept it, I realized that I no longer empathized with the man, but with the woman. I didn't want to be him; I wanted to be her; I wanted to be the person who was on their knees and tied up, sucking a huge, veiny penis while being slapped. Over time, I started watching femdom porn, especially the kind where the woman, the mistress, forces a man, the slave, to satisfy another man. It didn't take me long to have to accept that putting a dominant woman in the equation was more of an avoidance mechanism, something strictly necessary. I didn't want to feel completely gay. I suppose we all have some internalized homophobia. Nonetheless, with time, the next step was obvious: watching gay porn.

The step of watch...