Ask Alex if she will come by to feed Odin.

Buy extra cat food and litter so Alex doesn't have to.

Give her the spare key next time I see her.

Kiss Odin and tell her she is the best cat in the world, even if she has always been destructive like her namesake.

Fill out the final paperwork and mail it to the surgeon.

Go to the post office on Tenth Avenue and put a stop mail hold in place.

Stop worrying about the pain.

Stop thinking about the drains.

Call Mom and thank her for the card and the money and tell her she has been the best mother in the world.

Ask Lisa to stop calling me eight times a day because we broke up months ago, and I am sick of having to ignore her voicemails - and her texts.

Tell Julia I can't sleep with her anymore until she ditches that fake-blonde Pink-look-alike girlfriend who she is fucking around on.

Additional things to tell Julia if I ever see her again:

Tell her I want my hat back because it's my favorite one, and she had no right to keep it in the first place. Also, tell her I saw her girlfriend sitting in front of a coffee shop wearing my hat, and that hurt almost more than anything else she's put me through, which is a lot.

Fucking with people's hearts for no good reason is a douchy thing to do, and it will come back to haunt her.

Her cute looks will one day fade, and she will only be left with her personality, which could use some work.

I'm glad we split up because, like Jerry said, she's an emotional vampire.

Tell the surgeon about my drug allergies.

Vacuum the apartment before leaving for the airport.

Eat food in the fridge before leaving so it doesn't rot and stink up the place.

Have sex with Alex one more time before the operation, preferably at my place, so her boyfriend doesn't show up again unexpectedly.

Kiss Alex goodbye and tell her how pretty she is, in case the surgery kills me.

Stop worrying that the surgery could kill me.

Remember that people die from getting struck by lightning and that everything seems completely random at the end of the day.

Pee before leaving for the airport so people don't stare at what they think is a man going into the women's bathroom.

Drink lots of water before getting on the plane.

Don't panic when the plane doors close.

Take a Valium if I feel like I am going to die.

Remember not to care what other people think.

Shave, even though I have no facial hair yet.

Get my hair cut short so I don't have to worry about cutting it for another six weeks.

Pretend I'm not nervous when anyone asks me about the operation.

Don't stay awake when I go to bed thinking about all the things that could go wrong.

Be happy that the surgery date is almost he...